"SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!!!"

Location: 30 nautical miles southwest of Incheon, Korea

Time: 1321 LT

Seoul ATC: XX416, clear descend 8000 feet, Incheon altimeter 30.33

Number 1: XX416, descend 8000 feet, 30.33.

Me: Using my right hand I dial 8000 feet on the Flight Control Unit (FCU) commanding the Electric Aluminium Submarine's (EAS) autopilot to descend. Miss EAS responds immediately by setting the 2 turbofans to idle thrust, dips her nose down to 5 degrees below the horizon, her slender wings slice through the cold stable air at 500km/hr.

Seoul ATC: XX416, left turn heading 360, descend 4000 feet, clear ILS 33 Left approach.
Number 1: XX416, Left heading 360, descend 4000 feet, clear ILS 33 Left approach.
Me: With my left hand, I push a button on the sidestick to turn the autopilot off, asked Number 1 to turn off the Flight Directors. Miss EAS now goes into Cessna 152* mode, her multimillion dollar flight management computers goes for a coffee break. I feel like a kid again going on my first airplane ride! Life is GOOD!

ONE THOUSAND, the radio altitude announced.
FIVE HUNDRED

FOUR HUNDRED 

THREE HUNDRED

ONE HUNDRED ABOVE.....

Incheon Tower: XX416, I see smoke on your starboard engine, do you need any assistance?

Number 1 glance at me, I glance back and say STANDBY, as the concrete runway is just 8 seconds away from kissing our main wheels.

FIFTY 

FORTY

THIRTY

TWENTY

Touch down.

With my right hand I select maximum thrust reversals on both engines, Number 1 call out the deployment of the ground spoilers and monitors the rate of deceleration with the rapidly decreasing Indicated airspeed. 

"PING PING PING PING PING~~~!!!" the CRC* sounds, the RED master warning lights up. Number 1 call out " ENGINE 2 FIRE!"

STANDBY I say again. I stop the 75 tons Miss EAS on the runway, set the Park Brake ON, take a deep breath and push the Passenger Announce Pushbutton and said "Attention Cabin Crew to your stations!" and ask Number 1 to read again the warning messages displayed on the EWD*

In my mind, there are only 2 things:

1. Is this for REAL??

2. If YES, why is it happening to me??!.....

The training kicks in immediately:

1. SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS Capt OWL*!

2. Takes another deep breath and call for ECAM ACTIONS.

Number 1 reads the ecam messages, performs the actions to shut off fuel to the starboard engine and deploys fire extinguishers. I monitor Number 1's actions and start to look for Positive Evidence that my starboard engine is indeed on FIRE and more importantly the FIRE is being put out.

Me: Incheon, XX416 stopping on runway, confirm smoke sighted on starboard engine?

Incheon tower: XX416 affirm, fire services are on the way.

Me: Roger.

After that radio transmission, I again SAT on my HANDS.

OK, tower said smoke sighted, a second glance at engine 2 nacelle temperature and EGT, the parameters are all indicating values that are all way north of the normal operating range. YES, it's definitely on FIRE! 

I take another deep breath and command Number 1 to perform the Emergency Evacuation Checklist.

Finally freeing my hands, push the PA button and announce, "Emergency Evacuation! Emergency Evacuation!", reach overhead and push the Emergency Evacuation Pushbutton.

"OK I have Control" says the Pilot Examiner. "Exercise Complete, reset all systems and I will reposition you guys"

=====================--------------------===================

I survived another Simulated Engine Fire............in the SIMULATOR.

Many mistakes in the cockpit are due to a tendency to rush by the crew. Especially in an emergency such as fire or smoke in the cabin. When one is under stress in a time critical emergency like a fire in an engine immediately after landing, it is in our human nature to panic and start using our hands to do something. More often than not this instinct to react immediately will lead to wrong actions.

An old instructor of mine from the days of the B707s always tell me "In an emergency, 1st thing you do is SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!!! until you are absolutely sure of what to do with them", until then continue to "SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!"

I will always remember the lesson of  "SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!" everytime I go flying. Do not touch anything in the cockpit unless you are absolutely sure of the consequences. Only when you are absolutely sure then you may without any undue delay "Un-Sit Your HANDS" and proceed with the fully thought out actions!

*
Cessna 152 - 2 seater light aircraft usually used for flight training
CRC - Continuous Repetitive Chime

EWD - Engine Warning Display

OWL - One Wing Low

Standard Disclaimer

1. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only. 

2. Any resemblance to real event or real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

   

Char Kueh Tiaw Vs. Whipping Egg Whites

I miss my ex-gf. She is slightly shorter, lighter and slimmer than my current squeeze. She does not complain much when the weather turns too hot or too cold. She is tough, has great character and pedigree as her uncle the B-17 flying fortress survived the war. B is not complicated to fly and does not need the tens of different separate computers to get airborne. During our dates, I do not need to ask myself  "Now....what is she doing now?" She provides immediate physical feed back via her control york and throttle levers to me every time we waltz through the skies. We feel connected. I enjoyed our time together.

My current squeeze A is a different animal. She is tall, fast, slick and slippery. Her many moods are controlled by at least 10 different types of computers. She will scream at me if I accidentally bring her some place she doesn't agree, dance too fast or too slow or too rough. If I ignore her screams, she will take over lead of the dance temporarily to remind me who is boss. Born in continental europe, she hates the hot and muggy tropics or the sand of the desert and will complain aloud, throw a tantrum and sometimes go sick and refuses to let you take her dancing. She doesn't get very physical at all with me, rather she speaks to me visually and demands that I interpret and understand her current mood and what she is doing just by looking. 

On a gusty approach into Hong kong Chek Lap Kok Airport, If I am dancing with Baby B, I will perform what I call "Char Kueh Tiaw" The control york movements is exactly like frying rice noodles on a hot wok. 

With Baby A, it will be "Whipping Egg Whites" on the side stick. Making meringue for a french patisserie.

Dancing with the Electric Aluminium Submarine

Position: 3 Nautical Miles Final on Approach to Kuala Lumpur Runway 14 Left
Altitude: 1100 Feet above mean sea level
Weather: Dry season, hazy, winds calm.

ONE THOUSAND - the automated voice announced.

"Now, watch your pitch attitude - It's at +2.5 degrees now, ok glance RIGHT over at your vertical speed indicator, -800 feet per minute, now a quick glance LEFT to your airspeed, target for this approach is 142 knots (keep it within +10/-5 of the target!), now BACK to your pitch attitude - now its +3.0 degrees" (keep it approximately between the 0 to +3.0 degrees sweetspot)

While doing the above, look outside and put the extended runway centerline in between your legs. How do you line her up between your legs? Before you even think of doing anything, glance at the miniature airplane on your PFD (Primary Flight Display). Decide on a heading, lets start with 10 degrees from your current heading. Bank the miniature airplane towards the direction of the extended centerline. How much bank? Start with 5 to 10 degrees bank. OK....now I am banking 10 degrees RIGHT....how do I stop the aircraft from turning you asked? Smple, just level the wings of the miniature aircraft. ok now hold this new heading with wings level and WAIT. (while doing the pitch attitude DANCE in the paragraph above)

What are we waiting for Captain? Glance outside, has the extended runway centerline moved inbetween your legs? Yes? Then look back at your miniature airplane, bank back to your original heading, roll wings level and HOLD it there. Glance outside after that, is it lined up between your legs? No? repeat the above. Yes? Hold the miniature airplane steady.

Just do the above 3 paragraphs in repetition. The closer you get to the runway the faster your scan of the PFD, the quicker and more precise your correction is required.

Easy waltzing with a 75 tons Lady.

Now throw in gusty winds, afternoon thermals, low visibility associated with heavy rain and thunderstorms.

Your DANCE will become slightly more interesting now.

But still as easy as riding a bicycle if you follow the above 3 paragraphs and PRACTICE.

Like our friend Saadi says:
"How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice."









  

Lt-Col Jack William Kaiser

Jack would always come into his flying school with a huge smile on his face. The clerk would ask him "Hi Jack, how are you today?" He would grin and say "Well~! the Good Guys are here! I am still ALIVE, thank you!"

Lt-Col Jack William Kaiser retired from the Royal Canadian Air Force in 1975, that's the same year that I was born. Raised as a farm boy in rural Saskatchewan, he borrowed his older brother's id and began flight training, soloing in 1941 on the Tiger Moth. In 1942 he enlisted in Saskatoon and went to war. Flew 30 sorties in the Lancaster for the Royal Air Force.

Jack once showed me a picture of his Lancaster crew taken at the end of their 30th sortie. He was only 23 years old in that picture but he looked like a haggard 50 year old. Such were the stresses of war.  

He was my Multi Engine and Multi Engine IFR* instructor. A few lessons he taught that will always stick with me:

1. LOOK OUTSIDE!

Now....you would think this is common sense when one is piloting a heavier than air machine....! With today's myriad of advance Liquid Crystal Display flight instruments coupled to Laser Gyros and GPS coupled navigation displays, pilots spend 95% of their time just staring at these beautiful screens. More than a few near air miss are averted not by staring at these screens, but looking out the front windscreen!  

2. SLOW DOWN, THERE IS ALWAYS TIME!

Being a young student pilot, I like to rush through my preflight checks and pride myself for knowing my prestart checklists by memory. WRONG! Jack will say "What's the bloody hurry? You continue down this path at this speed, you will hurry to your grave!!!" "Now, lets do that checklist again, half the speed, pause and appreciate each and every action and why you are flicking that switch or pushing that button!!!" I carry this habit everytime I strap onto my 93 tons electric aluminium submarine. 

Jack gave me my first job in aviation. I cleaned, fueled, oiled and de-iced airplanes. Prepared their logbooks and keys for the renters. I am forever indebted for his kindness.

Jack has flown west for his last sortie a few years back, I miss him greatly and will always remember to LOOK OUTSIDE and SLOW DOWN everytime I launch into the wild blue yonder.

*IFR - Instrument Flight Rating

   

The Electric Aluminium Submarine

The significant weather charts indicated embedded cumulonimbus clouds along our flight route. Forecasts for departure and arrival aerodromes called for a high chance of thunderstorms, gusty winds and low visibility in heavy rain showers. 2015 monsoon season in the mekong delta is in full swing.

The old scooter woke up after the 3rd kick start, not bad in the humid Saigon air. I donned my poncho, hid my flight case inside a plastic garbage bag. Rode into the afternoon rain.

The road leading to the Southern Crew Base have transformed into a small river the colour of what I called Teh Tarik* back in Malaysia. I decided to ride straight to the airport to avoid being swallowed by the River Hong Ha.

30 minutes later in the flight deck:

Purser: "Captain, we have 184 POB*, may I close the door?"
Me: "Di Thoi!*"

I can hear Door 1 Left being closed, I looked out the front windscreen into the rain through 2 inches of heated plexiglass. Rainy days like today always makes me feel like I'm the Skipper of an electric aluminium submarine. "Batten down the hatches crew!" "The hatches are sealed Skipper!" "Time to Cast off!"

Number 1 sets take off thrust, the electric aluminium submarine propelled down the water logged concrete runway, V1, Rotate. Number 1 using 3 fingers of his right hand eased slight back pressure on the side stick, 89 tonnes of aluminium & fiberglass held together with a few of thousand rivets climbed skywards.

Instantly we punched into the grey pea soup overcast.

For the next 3 hours, It's IMC*, for the non aviation types (N.A.T), this means for 3 complete hours through the 2 inch heated plexiglass, nothing but grey clouds is seen.

FIVE HUNDRED, the radio altitude announced, still no sign of the ground.
FOUR HUNDRED, nothing
THREE HUNDRED, Grey Clouds
ONE HUNDRED ABOVE, nothing
MINIMUM, number 1 announced, approach lights in sight, CONTINUE.
ONE HUNDRED, the touchdown zone is in sight.

5 minutes later, Anchors Set...."Cleared to open the Port Hatches!" The Electric Aluminium Submarine safely docks.

*
Teh Tarik - Milk Tea
POB - Passengers on Board
Di Thoi - Let's Go in Vietnamese
IMC - Instrument Meteorological Conditions











     

My colleague II

The Hair - Against the employer's uniform code, he refuse to wear his pilot cap. "I've lost my cap" "It's at home" "They never gave me a cap" will be the standard response. He played hide and seek with the employer's uniform nazi and have so far managed to remain undetected. More often than not, he will have vertical hairstyle inspired by the latest k-pop celebrity. If he bikes to the Southern Crew Base, the very first action after taking off his bike helmet will be to look at the rear view mirror and restyle his hair back to it's correct vertical height. The employer's uniform nazi ambushed him at the airport once last year and since then he brings his cap along to work. Now his cap is tucked under his arm. He calls it the armpit accessory.

The Millionaire - Knows the location of the cheapest eateries in the employer's route network. Free, Sale and Discount are words that need to be present for each and every monetary transaction. More often than not, he drives a 2nd hand car, a beat up scooter or takes the public transportation. It doesn't bother him to wear the same cloths or that old pair of shoes that he bought in Mumbai 12 years ago. Is a good person to have if you are in need of sound financial advice. Owns property in all the key location in the city that I only dreamt of living in. Doesn't fly for the money, as he earns more than enough collecting rental from his tenants every month. Yes, he rides his beat up scooter in the monsoon rain every month end to collect his rental, asked why he risk his life doing this? His response is "You know how much the Petrol Price is nowadays??!!!"

Standard Disclaimer

1. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only.

2. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

  

Getting OLD

0310LT - I've hit the snooze button on my phone alarm twice now.

0350LT - 3rd cup of 200 proof Vietnamese Coffee. 

0355LT - Nearly lost my shoe kick starting my old Italian scooter, against my bike mechanic's advice, I have refused an electrical starter. I am a purist, It's either gonna be an all Original Vintage Vespa or I would rather walk to work.

0405LT - Arrived Southern Crew Base. 

0410LT - Traded insults, tall tales and catch up on my colleague's latest conquests in the girlie bars of Bui Vien.

0415LT - 1 hour 15 minutes before STD*, no sign of the first officer.

0425LT -
Crew Tracker Mr Tuan: "Hi Captain O.W.L*, good morning, where are you going today?"

Me: "Just Hanoi and back today Tuan, hey can you call the FO... it's almost 1 hour to STD now"

Crew Tracker Mr Tuan: "OK, let me check the schedule and his number Capt......... Hey Capt, which Hanoi flight are you doing ya? I dont see your name here on the computer...."

Me: "It's the earliest 530AM departure to the Hanoi Tuan, please check again...." (Feeling annoyed as I feel the caffeine from my 200 proof coffee wearing off)

Crew Tracker Mr Tuan: (Now grinning like a cheshire cat) "Haaaa.....I see your name on TOMORROW's 0530AM Hanoi flight Captain!!!! It's your OFF DAY today.....hahahahahaaaaaaaa.......!!!!"

Me: (Too embarass now to get angry): "WHAT??? OH F*** ME!!!........."

I am definitely getting OLD....



*
STD - Scheduled Time of Departure
O.W.L - One Wing Low

 

Standard Disclaimer

1. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only. 

2. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

  


             

My colleague

One thing I really enjoyed about this job is meeting and flying with all sorts of interesting characters:

1. The Nerd: This guy will regurgitate obscure non relevent aviation facts from TOC* to TOD*. Great to have in the flightdeck on a long trip when you have a biannual recurrent simulator check coming up. Knows his SOP* & FOM* backwards while laying sideways in the crew bunk. Is the one soul in the company that reads all the emails from the office daily. Will have the latest aviation news portal bookmarked on his smartphone and is the first to have an informed opinion when an air incident happened anywhere around this planet. Great guy to have if you have trouble sleeping during a controlled rest. 

2. The Glutton: Have tried all the restaurants within a 10 mile radius of the crew hotel in the employer's route structure. Knows what to order whenever he is in a restaurant and the food will never disappoints. Eats anything that moves. Nothing is too exotic for him. Price of the restaurant is never an issue. Great guy to have on a strange layover. 

3. The Playboy: The bulletproof cockpit door is there to protect the female crew from his X-ray vision stares. Will sell his mother to score with any chick. Has the sweetest compliment ready for any soul that possesses two X chromosome. Always in love and forever distracted by the constant stream of young new unsuspecting female crew. The cabin crew department should have his picture printed on the Safety Emergency Procedure handbook - in the section labeled "Dangerous goods inside the cockpit" Always have the juiciest night stop stories to tell. A good person to do a long red eye flight with.

4. The Naval Aviator: Flies better than the autopilot, more often than not has military styled short hair, calls you Sir when he greets you in the crew dispatch. Good to have with you in an emergency. Never late for his flights and respects the chain of command. 

To be continued....

**

TOC - Top of Climb 

TOD - Top of Descend

SOP - Standard Operation Procedures

FOM - Flight Operations Manual

Standard Disclaimer

1. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only.

2. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

  

Life is Good

50 nautical miles north of BMT. 32000 ft above msl. My 1st officer under training tuned Tan So Nhat ATIS and struggled to pick up the weather report through the static.

Massive electrical storm activity has been plaguing the Mekong Delta. After all its the middle of the monsoon season.

Number 1 turned to me, shook his head and mumbled “it’s 500RVR in TSRA with crosswinds gusts up to 40kts”. To the non aviation types, that’s 74km/h winds gusting 90 degrees to our landing direction, half a km of visibility when you look out the front windscreen.

“What’s the problem Captain?” The non aviation types asked. I drive my car down the highway at 150km/h on average barely able to see the car infront on me in heavy rain everyday I race to my office avoiding the massive KL traffic jam.

A few differences here:
1. Your car is 1.5 tons maybe, my airliner is on average 70 tons on landing
2. You are travelling a tortoise 150km/h while I am slowing to 270km/h over the airport fence
3. You have 1 life to worry about in that german sports car while I am carrying 196 souls in this aluminium tube.
4. It is also illegal for me to start an approach with such weather. Rules that are written in the blood of my fellow aviators since men learned to fly.
5. Passengers did not purchase a roller coaster ticket when they booked with my employer. They expect to keep their stomach contains in.

One glance of the fuel status shows we have 15 minutes to wait at the edge of this electric thunderstorm. The friendly air traffic controllers informed us we will be number 5 in line for approach.

I gave number 1 controls of this 76 ton aluminium tube while i go on number 2 radio and called mother for our alternate airport weather. (Before you laugh out loud why would I call my Mother?? Is the Captain….now with a small c scared of the electrical thunderstorm???! From now on Mother = airline dispatch)

Mother said our alternate is within legal minimums (non aviation types translation : i demand a full refund of my ticket price for not landing at the place that you promised)

I came back to number 1, his face is the color of Edward in that Twilight movie….he mumbled…Tan So Nhat is closed for the next 20 minutes.

ok….10 more minutes to bingo fuel…let’s just advice the friendly air traffic controllers that we may need to turn towards our alternate in 8 minutes. Wait a minute Captain with a small c who called his Mother in the thunderstorm and failed primary school math. Where are the 2 minutes???!!! You said 10mins and then you said 8mins. You owe us 2 minutes! That’s 120 seconds El Kapitan with a small k!

1 reason only. There are at least 15 aluminium tubes circling at the perimeter of this electrical storm trying to get 1 overworked controller’s attention. The VHF radios that we use (Very High Frequency for the N.A.T = non aviation types) only allow 1 transmission at any particular time. If the N.A.T have been to the local Big C or Giant cashier counter on a Saturday evening you may understand why this Captain with a small c may need that precious 120 seconds to get a clearance.

2 mins 30 seconds from bingo fuel, number 1 asked permission to leave the hold

Clearence to exit the hold was granted at 30 seconds to bingo fuel.

I steered a heading to track to our alternate. Gave number 1 controls again. Pushed the Fwd attendant button and informed the Head Mama-san……. ah…. sorry, Chief Purser that we are going to land at our alternate in 30mins.

With my best Captain with a big C voice I picked up the Mic and broke the bad news to the 190 souls in my pressurized aluminium tube that we are landing in the coastal resort city of NhaTrang instead of Saigon.

I can kiss my dinner reservations at Park Hyatt goodbye now….. the wife will not be pleased…

Mother Nature : 1, Captain One Wing Low : 0