Barney the Flying Dinosaur / Tom & Jerry / Muhammad, Jesus & Harikrishnan

Flew with with some new guys today.

 "Hello Capt'n, my name is Barney, nice to meet you" the 6 foot 5 bespectacled 21 year old young man extended his hand for a handshake. "Barney???!!!" It's still oh five hundred (0500LT) and with my 1970's Mark 1 gyros not fully aligned yet, I blurt out loudly in flight dispatch "Your name is BARNEY?? like the Purple Dinosaur???" A good start to a hard day of Industrial strength flying in the Monsoon.

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During flying school many many moons ago in the great white north, to make it easier for my flying buddies to pronounce my name, I go with "Jerry", When it came time for my instrument rating checkride, the flight school scheduled me with one of the numerous Designated Transport Department Pilot Examiner. These men and women from the Transport authority is not someone you want to mess with.  He or she upheld the strict standards and made sure all licensed pilots adhere to safe and legal operation of airplanes. In short, he can either grant you the privilege of flight or clip your wings. On the appointed day, I waited anxiously at the flight school for Mr Transport Department Pilot Examiner to show up. In came an very old version of a Sean Connery lookalike, complete with leather jacket and Ray Ban aviator sunglasses. He looks like he started flying when Pontius was a Pilot.  He walked up to me and say "Hi, I am TOM, you must be my test candidate today." I responded, " Nice to meet you TOM, I am JERRY."

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Flying in South East Asia with her mix of races, cultures and religions, a most interesting set of crew came together on my trip to the Indonesian metropolis of Bandung. During cruise, the captain came on the Passenger Announcement System:

"Selamat Pagi Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, this is your captain speaking, my name is Muhammad, together with my colleague, 1st Officer Mr Jesus, Chief Flight Attendant Mr HariKrishna and the rest of your friendly crew would like to welcome you onboard our flight to......"

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"SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!!!"

Location: 30 nautical miles southwest of Incheon, Korea

Time: 1321 LT

Seoul ATC: XX416, clear descend 8000 feet, Incheon altimeter 30.33

Number 1: XX416, descend 8000 feet, 30.33.

Me: Using my right hand I dial 8000 feet on the Flight Control Unit (FCU) commanding the Electric Aluminium Submarine's (EAS) autopilot to descend. Miss EAS responds immediately by setting the 2 turbofans to idle thrust, dips her nose down to 5 degrees below the horizon, her slender wings slice through the cold stable air at 500km/hr.

Seoul ATC: XX416, left turn heading 360, descend 4000 feet, clear ILS 33 Left approach.
Number 1: XX416, Left heading 360, descend 4000 feet, clear ILS 33 Left approach.
Me: With my left hand, I push a button on the sidestick to turn the autopilot off, asked Number 1 to turn off the Flight Directors. Miss EAS now goes into Cessna 152* mode, her multimillion dollar flight management computers goes for a coffee break. I feel like a kid again going on my first airplane ride! Life is GOOD!

ONE THOUSAND, the radio altitude announced.
FIVE HUNDRED

FOUR HUNDRED 

THREE HUNDRED

ONE HUNDRED ABOVE.....

Incheon Tower: XX416, I see smoke on your starboard engine, do you need any assistance?

Number 1 glance at me, I glance back and say STANDBY, as the concrete runway is just 8 seconds away from kissing our main wheels.

FIFTY 

FORTY

THIRTY

TWENTY

Touch down.

With my right hand I select maximum thrust reversals on both engines, Number 1 call out the deployment of the ground spoilers and monitors the rate of deceleration with the rapidly decreasing Indicated airspeed. 

"PING PING PING PING PING~~~!!!" the CRC* sounds, the RED master warning lights up. Number 1 call out " ENGINE 2 FIRE!"

STANDBY I say again. I stop the 75 tons Miss EAS on the runway, set the Park Brake ON, take a deep breath and push the Passenger Announce Pushbutton and said "Attention Cabin Crew to your stations!" and ask Number 1 to read again the warning messages displayed on the EWD*

In my mind, there are only 2 things:

1. Is this for REAL??

2. If YES, why is it happening to me??!.....

The training kicks in immediately:

1. SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS Capt OWL*!

2. Takes another deep breath and call for ECAM ACTIONS.

Number 1 reads the ecam messages, performs the actions to shut off fuel to the starboard engine and deploys fire extinguishers. I monitor Number 1's actions and start to look for Positive Evidence that my starboard engine is indeed on FIRE and more importantly the FIRE is being put out.

Me: Incheon, XX416 stopping on runway, confirm smoke sighted on starboard engine?

Incheon tower: XX416 affirm, fire services are on the way.

Me: Roger.

After that radio transmission, I again SAT on my HANDS.

OK, tower said smoke sighted, a second glance at engine 2 nacelle temperature and EGT, the parameters are all indicating values that are all way north of the normal operating range. YES, it's definitely on FIRE! 

I take another deep breath and command Number 1 to perform the Emergency Evacuation Checklist.

Finally freeing my hands, push the PA button and announce, "Emergency Evacuation! Emergency Evacuation!", reach overhead and push the Emergency Evacuation Pushbutton.

"OK I have Control" says the Pilot Examiner. "Exercise Complete, reset all systems and I will reposition you guys"

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I survived another Simulated Engine Fire............in the SIMULATOR.

Many mistakes in the cockpit are due to a tendency to rush by the crew. Especially in an emergency such as fire or smoke in the cabin. When one is under stress in a time critical emergency like a fire in an engine immediately after landing, it is in our human nature to panic and start using our hands to do something. More often than not this instinct to react immediately will lead to wrong actions.

An old instructor of mine from the days of the B707s always tell me "In an emergency, 1st thing you do is SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!!! until you are absolutely sure of what to do with them", until then continue to "SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!"

I will always remember the lesson of  "SIT ON YOUR DAMN HANDS!" everytime I go flying. Do not touch anything in the cockpit unless you are absolutely sure of the consequences. Only when you are absolutely sure then you may without any undue delay "Un-Sit Your HANDS" and proceed with the fully thought out actions!

*
Cessna 152 - 2 seater light aircraft usually used for flight training
CRC - Continuous Repetitive Chime

EWD - Engine Warning Display

OWL - One Wing Low

Standard Disclaimer

1. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only. 

2. Any resemblance to real event or real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

   

Char Kueh Tiaw Vs. Whipping Egg Whites

I miss my ex-gf. She is slightly shorter, lighter and slimmer than my current squeeze. She does not complain much when the weather turns too hot or too cold. She is tough, has great character and pedigree as her uncle the B-17 flying fortress survived the war. B is not complicated to fly and does not need the tens of different separate computers to get airborne. During our dates, I do not need to ask myself  "Now....what is she doing now?" She provides immediate physical feed back via her control york and throttle levers to me every time we waltz through the skies. We feel connected. I enjoyed our time together.

My current squeeze A is a different animal. She is tall, fast, slick and slippery. Her many moods are controlled by at least 10 different types of computers. She will scream at me if I accidentally bring her some place she doesn't agree, dance too fast or too slow or too rough. If I ignore her screams, she will take over lead of the dance temporarily to remind me who is boss. Born in continental europe, she hates the hot and muggy tropics or the sand of the desert and will complain aloud, throw a tantrum and sometimes go sick and refuses to let you take her dancing. She doesn't get very physical at all with me, rather she speaks to me visually and demands that I interpret and understand her current mood and what she is doing just by looking. 

On a gusty approach into Hong kong Chek Lap Kok Airport, If I am dancing with Baby B, I will perform what I call "Char Kueh Tiaw" The control york movements is exactly like frying rice noodles on a hot wok. 

With Baby A, it will be "Whipping Egg Whites" on the side stick. Making meringue for a french patisserie.

Dancing with the Electric Aluminium Submarine

Position: 3 Nautical Miles Final on Approach to Kuala Lumpur Runway 14 Left
Altitude: 1100 Feet above mean sea level
Weather: Dry season, hazy, winds calm.

ONE THOUSAND - the automated voice announced.

"Now, watch your pitch attitude - It's at +2.5 degrees now, ok glance RIGHT over at your vertical speed indicator, -800 feet per minute, now a quick glance LEFT to your airspeed, target for this approach is 142 knots (keep it within +10/-5 of the target!), now BACK to your pitch attitude - now its +3.0 degrees" (keep it approximately between the 0 to +3.0 degrees sweetspot)

While doing the above, look outside and put the extended runway centerline in between your legs. How do you line her up between your legs? Before you even think of doing anything, glance at the miniature airplane on your PFD (Primary Flight Display). Decide on a heading, lets start with 10 degrees from your current heading. Bank the miniature airplane towards the direction of the extended centerline. How much bank? Start with 5 to 10 degrees bank. OK....now I am banking 10 degrees RIGHT....how do I stop the aircraft from turning you asked? Smple, just level the wings of the miniature aircraft. ok now hold this new heading with wings level and WAIT. (while doing the pitch attitude DANCE in the paragraph above)

What are we waiting for Captain? Glance outside, has the extended runway centerline moved inbetween your legs? Yes? Then look back at your miniature airplane, bank back to your original heading, roll wings level and HOLD it there. Glance outside after that, is it lined up between your legs? No? repeat the above. Yes? Hold the miniature airplane steady.

Just do the above 3 paragraphs in repetition. The closer you get to the runway the faster your scan of the PFD, the quicker and more precise your correction is required.

Easy waltzing with a 75 tons Lady.

Now throw in gusty winds, afternoon thermals, low visibility associated with heavy rain and thunderstorms.

Your DANCE will become slightly more interesting now.

But still as easy as riding a bicycle if you follow the above 3 paragraphs and PRACTICE.

Like our friend Saadi says:
"How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice."









  

Lt-Col Jack William Kaiser

Jack would always come into his flying school with a huge smile on his face. The clerk would ask him "Hi Jack, how are you today?" He would grin and say "Well~! the Good Guys are here! I am still ALIVE, thank you!"

Lt-Col Jack William Kaiser retired from the Royal Canadian Air Force in 1975, that's the same year that I was born. Raised as a farm boy in rural Saskatchewan, he borrowed his older brother's id and began flight training, soloing in 1941 on the Tiger Moth. In 1942 he enlisted in Saskatoon and went to war. Flew 30 sorties in the Lancaster for the Royal Air Force.

Jack once showed me a picture of his Lancaster crew taken at the end of their 30th sortie. He was only 23 years old in that picture but he looked like a haggard 50 year old. Such were the stresses of war.  

He was my Multi Engine and Multi Engine IFR* instructor. A few lessons he taught that will always stick with me:

1. LOOK OUTSIDE!

Now....you would think this is common sense when one is piloting a heavier than air machine....! With today's myriad of advance Liquid Crystal Display flight instruments coupled to Laser Gyros and GPS coupled navigation displays, pilots spend 95% of their time just staring at these beautiful screens. More than a few near air miss are averted not by staring at these screens, but looking out the front windscreen!  

2. SLOW DOWN, THERE IS ALWAYS TIME!

Being a young student pilot, I like to rush through my preflight checks and pride myself for knowing my prestart checklists by memory. WRONG! Jack will say "What's the bloody hurry? You continue down this path at this speed, you will hurry to your grave!!!" "Now, lets do that checklist again, half the speed, pause and appreciate each and every action and why you are flicking that switch or pushing that button!!!" I carry this habit everytime I strap onto my 93 tons electric aluminium submarine. 

Jack gave me my first job in aviation. I cleaned, fueled, oiled and de-iced airplanes. Prepared their logbooks and keys for the renters. I am forever indebted for his kindness.

Jack has flown west for his last sortie a few years back, I miss him greatly and will always remember to LOOK OUTSIDE and SLOW DOWN everytime I launch into the wild blue yonder.

*IFR - Instrument Flight Rating

   

The Electric Aluminium Submarine

The significant weather charts indicated embedded cumulonimbus clouds along our flight route. Forecasts for departure and arrival aerodromes called for a high chance of thunderstorms, gusty winds and low visibility in heavy rain showers. 2015 monsoon season in the mekong delta is in full swing.

The old scooter woke up after the 3rd kick start, not bad in the humid Saigon air. I donned my poncho, hid my flight case inside a plastic garbage bag. Rode into the afternoon rain.

The road leading to the Southern Crew Base have transformed into a small river the colour of what I called Teh Tarik* back in Malaysia. I decided to ride straight to the airport to avoid being swallowed by the River Hong Ha.

30 minutes later in the flight deck:

Purser: "Captain, we have 184 POB*, may I close the door?"
Me: "Di Thoi!*"

I can hear Door 1 Left being closed, I looked out the front windscreen into the rain through 2 inches of heated plexiglass. Rainy days like today always makes me feel like I'm the Skipper of an electric aluminium submarine. "Batten down the hatches crew!" "The hatches are sealed Skipper!" "Time to Cast off!"

Number 1 sets take off thrust, the electric aluminium submarine propelled down the water logged concrete runway, V1, Rotate. Number 1 using 3 fingers of his right hand eased slight back pressure on the side stick, 89 tonnes of aluminium & fiberglass held together with a few of thousand rivets climbed skywards.

Instantly we punched into the grey pea soup overcast.

For the next 3 hours, It's IMC*, for the non aviation types (N.A.T), this means for 3 complete hours through the 2 inch heated plexiglass, nothing but grey clouds is seen.

FIVE HUNDRED, the radio altitude announced, still no sign of the ground.
FOUR HUNDRED, nothing
THREE HUNDRED, Grey Clouds
ONE HUNDRED ABOVE, nothing
MINIMUM, number 1 announced, approach lights in sight, CONTINUE.
ONE HUNDRED, the touchdown zone is in sight.

5 minutes later, Anchors Set...."Cleared to open the Port Hatches!" The Electric Aluminium Submarine safely docks.

*
Teh Tarik - Milk Tea
POB - Passengers on Board
Di Thoi - Let's Go in Vietnamese
IMC - Instrument Meteorological Conditions











     

My colleague II

The Hair - Against the employer's uniform code, he refuse to wear his pilot cap. "I've lost my cap" "It's at home" "They never gave me a cap" will be the standard response. He played hide and seek with the employer's uniform nazi and have so far managed to remain undetected. More often than not, he will have vertical hairstyle inspired by the latest k-pop celebrity. If he bikes to the Southern Crew Base, the very first action after taking off his bike helmet will be to look at the rear view mirror and restyle his hair back to it's correct vertical height. The employer's uniform nazi ambushed him at the airport once last year and since then he brings his cap along to work. Now his cap is tucked under his arm. He calls it the armpit accessory.

The Millionaire - Knows the location of the cheapest eateries in the employer's route network. Free, Sale and Discount are words that need to be present for each and every monetary transaction. More often than not, he drives a 2nd hand car, a beat up scooter or takes the public transportation. It doesn't bother him to wear the same cloths or that old pair of shoes that he bought in Mumbai 12 years ago. Is a good person to have if you are in need of sound financial advice. Owns property in all the key location in the city that I only dreamt of living in. Doesn't fly for the money, as he earns more than enough collecting rental from his tenants every month. Yes, he rides his beat up scooter in the monsoon rain every month end to collect his rental, asked why he risk his life doing this? His response is "You know how much the Petrol Price is nowadays??!!!"

Standard Disclaimer

1. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only.

2. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.